Super Woman

"and even Wonder Woman gets her nails (hair) done..." i was excited to put this as my first line in this post because I thought he said hair instead of nails. i've had to reschedule my hair appointment 4 times in the past 2 weeks. so busy. this song plays at LOFT all the time and i hate it. but it reminds me of myself in that I am always crazy busy and because my old roomie Caitlin Hull used to call me Super Woman- because i always did so much. i miss her.

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i'm unsettled. it's been a year and a half of feeling unsettled. life did not turn out the way i hoped after graduating almost 2 May's ago. it's been a year and half of working at least 2 jobs, deferring or forebearing loans, trying to figure out how to pay for my last few (pointless) classes and what to do with my life once i have a degree. i've felt stuck for the past year and a half. it's been a season of rowing.  

see. life did not work out the way i wanted it too. after i 'graduated' i had sweet internship opportunities. i was supposed to finish the classes in the summer. i was ready to change the world. then life happened and things changed. the Lord had a different plan. i got a tattoo on my left wrist in 2009 that says 'made perfect in weakness' from 2 cor. 12:9-10. i got it on my wrist to serve as a constant reminder because i found this verse at a really really low point and it was like the Lord was saying- "Jen- give it up to me and let me make it better." i can't count the number of times in the past year and a half i have been forced to realize i need to just become weak and let the Lord work in me during this time. it's hard because i don't especially like this season of life. i feel like it is lasting forever and for once, i just don't know exactly when it will end or what to do when it ends. 

i feel like the Lord taught me a lot during my Christian music fast about prayer http://thecreativefight.blogspot.com/2011/09/month-without-non-christian-music.html. had alot of encouragement from psalm 103. emery- inside our skin talked about being refined by the fire and this providence- my beautiful rescue. for the first time i really realized that the Lord has purpose for this time, as hard as it is. 

i am at a point right now of feeling excited, nervous and scared. while the whole season i am in might not be over, school will indeed be over by mid-january (i WILL make it happen) and then i will be...free. i feel like the biggest burden of the past year and half will be lifted and i will finally have a degree (hopefully i will finish by jan 15 and get a dec. 2011 diploma). i've been itching to get out of indy for quite some time now. i the past couple months i realized i really want: 1. to have a job where i can work to empower teen girls. 2. work/volunteer with anti-trafficking organizations and do policy work. 3. live in a big big city. 4. go on an adventure and take a chance. i've been playing it safe and responsible for so long that i am just ready to do something new! this means that by mid-jan/early feb. i will hopefully be moving. which also means i need to figure out where to go.

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ideal choice: boston. love love love the city. had some great info meetings with anti-trafficking organizations and i am so excited about the potential to be involved in abolitionist work there. also, there are alot of organizations that work to empower young women. and already found 2 churches i like. only issue would be that it will be expensive unless i find a couple roommates. i am considering just transferring to LOFT out there and then trying to find a job...

choice i feel like might happen: moving out to columbus, oh. love the city and lots of friends are there. there is some abolitionist work going on that i could be a part of and i already have some connections there. it might be easier to find a job. i wouldn't mind this option, but i feel like i'd be playing it safe.

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praying expectantly is hard. a couple months ago, during the fast, i did an awesome Bible study on God's abundance and provision. "when i conclude my prayer with: 'God do this or something better.' while my request might have been good, i want to always leave room for god to do beyond my expectations." (Priscilla Shirer) i started doing this. i felt like for the first time, it was okay to pray for big things. [[in the past, i always felt like i shouldn't pray for certain things to happen because it might not be what God wanted, like He would do the opposite of what i hoped. like praying for opportunity in boston, but me thinking i'll be stuck in indy forever.]] i guess after that study, i just realized i should be open to adventure and where God is leading. and to pray expectantly. i'm not wanting to go to boston, just to go, there are specific reasons related to the way i feel like God wired me. what i see as something great in boston, might be, but adding that 'God, do this or something better' is like saying, boston would be ideal, but if you have something even better than what i think would be the best- bring it on!!

i still worry a little bit though. 

i'm fearful. fearful of what the 'something better' might be, that i won't like it. which is crazy- it will be something better than what i think is best! i'm fearful of finances. fearful of potentially just picking up and moving. as weird as it may sound, fearful of what life will be like when i don't have school- it's been hanging over my head for so long, that i am not sure what life will be like without it- i'm thinking awesome. but- i just remembered this verse the other day- "such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. if we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love -1 john 4:18." you could say i am afraid of 'punishment,' of the Lord putting me in a place that i don't want to be in- being in this season longer.

 it is crazy when we are fed lies and when we believe them. just a couple months ago, all fear was gone. i was confident in the Lord and in his plans. life and chaos get in the way and confidence in the Lord turns into confidence in the flesh and i start to get to the point where the Lord says, 'jen- remember that verse on your wrist..." and i say-right, Lord's got this. just trust. "true abundance is really seen when you're sitting in a prison circumstance, when you're eye to eye with an impossible situation, and right in the heart of your impossible, you experience the fullness of God."- Priscilla. holla. TRUTH- 2 cor. 12:9-10

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hopefully that flowed. it is usually a jumble of thoughts in my head that i try to form into sentences and paragraphs. so, tomorrow starts 2 weeks until I have finals. i also start my final class- astronomy. i’m fasting or breaking from a few things that just take up too much of my time- trying to simplify and focus on school and the Lord. also, going to start applying for some jobs, prayingexpectantly about things. maybe i’ll end up working for IJM in D.C. who knows. just giving life up to the Lord- ready to see what He will teach in the next month or so. going to try and not stress or worry. lots of journaling and running, baking and maybe painting….

Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.